just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
