New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's never too late to be topless.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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