ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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