I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
