god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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