its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
