I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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