I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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