I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
