i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
