my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
