Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Too much gin, very little bucket
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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