my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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