Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
What drink are we having for lunch?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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