a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize