I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize