you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
