my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
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