she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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