You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
