He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
