Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I need water and some morals
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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