The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
A+ Viking dick
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize