Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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