you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
