oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
