Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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