Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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