Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
