So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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