I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If I die, sorry about rent.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
