The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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