I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I love having hate sex.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize