who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
