i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
