I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
