Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
