I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
