Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize