careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
