last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
