Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
