I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
