I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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