the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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