I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
