Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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