alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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