Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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