Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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