He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
