What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
