If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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