Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
