I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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