he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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