Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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